Categories: innersanctum

August 23 20212

🛰️📲🎡 I must come clean. I have had a breakdown and I relapsed with something last night again, it’s okay, it happens once or twice a year. I think, yesterday marked three years since my dad died, and then it made me think that it hasn’t yet been a year since my mom’s been dead and I haven’t yet recovered from Thursday. And I was just feeling very low! And I ran out of ways to cope….

I’m a bit sleepy, so this won’t be very interesting, not that it ever is, but it will be particularly boring!. I’ll hope that no one reads this, I’m always so paranoid about information being used against me. this could be a segue into narcissism if I weren’t so sleepy…

last Thursday was really difficult for me 0.0 drunk people, an extremely loud environment, I was an outsider, large group, etc. It caused a huge blow to my self-esteem because when I talk to people, I notice all the negations and boundaries between us and them, and I automatically identify with them, the reject (in many cases! But not all, certainly, no, not all, at all exclusions.). and having to like, endure that is difficult and socializing itself is just so much work… and there is so much going on! and it’s hard for me to accept that I’m so introverted or hermitic like it makes sense but it’s always hard to be reminded that socializing isn’t very fulfilling or fun and actually kind of hurts and drains. I feel ashamed and terrible about this part of myself!
 🪱🏺💧 of course, we’re scared, we were meant to remain hidden ! ! !

And then, we have some other major things switching up right now and when my perfect system gets disturbed I become very disoriented and anxious, and that stuff has been buzzing and floating around for some weeks, though it should be settled in a month or so… but then, yes, the death anniversary, I guess, and the socializing thing was difficult. I accidentally brought up that my parents were dead in one of the conversations. I guess I’ve just been feeling bad about myself and my existence. I feel inferior to everyone and I know an easy way to fix it is with narcissism and I like to make jokes about that on Twitter because it’s popular there. It’s so dumb though and doesn’t work even if it is! Yes, it is funny.

I’ve been emotionally volatile the past few days and I didn’t want to talk about my dad’s death anniversary because the propaganda enthusiast in my mind always tells me that my sadness over that is self-indulgent, self-pitying and a ploy at emotional manipulation (which makes me feel worse!). But this repression and sadness certainly allowed for ventilation and poison to flow into other spheres…. i look to the outside to expel my toxins ! #clean #pure #health #natural

Memes have never been something I’ve enjoyed.. as mentioned many! many! many! times. I saw one yesterday, a normal distribution graph type, and it was something related to introverted traits (which, I was already triggered and dealing with feelings of devaluation so! ^^).

🪱🎡🎛️ okay, it’s today. (23, but3.17AM). well! yes, again the theme is confinement of identity and behavior and dismissal of the relationship : THE DIALOGUE, really, between the external and internal and how the technologies and forms outside of us shape us and which piece wove the thread that lead you or me to read and write this! you don’t even know!!! i don’t know. if i did know, i wouldn’t know, because there is nothing, in reality, to know.

so, it’s just really annoying. the meme i mention, anything that juxtaposes two extreme polarities and/or then the exclusion makes it feel like i have a parasite under my entire body, like someone else inside of me, internally hijacked. depersonalized. you could argue that this feeling means it’s true because only what hurts is true. but i don’t know, sometimes when i see what people believe is “the truth,” i get that same sick, diffused, unreal feeling. sometimes i hear and read things and i might rely on my narcissism to think that i see where they’ve gone wrong and how definite, strictly ordered and unfixedly categorized their worldview is, and how “simple”, it is (it’s good to be simple, it’s bad to not be simple… what is simple? i’m so simple! anyway), the simplicity of it is very like: consume/excrete, affirm/negate. these people are TRAPPED in reality! I SWEAR! if you look up people who were born on February 12 many of them are also afflicted with the unity/polarity problem, OBSESSION. this veers towards narcissism, i can rationalize my insecurity over having these ideas by appealing to highly socially valued others, believe that it’s my special purpose, etc. i feel so warped by everyone’s view. i’ve seen too much of other people!

back to the point: other people and their reliance on millenarian apocalypticism, extreme dualities, Manichean good and evil. why does it bother me so much? I think, because it’s so pervasive and I see it too much, and I think it comes from computer technology and binary processing (we are shaped to see the world in this way by computers, probably to bring about algorithmic totalitarianism) and so often these PEOPLE who are demonizing computer-artifice-evil “natural”-real-good are being quite literally, literally quite and frankly, brainwashed by the very technology they demonize.

  • actjkually,… it’s literally the sun and our minds that created duality. duality is a technological consequence of our orbit around the sun.

    didn’t we already know in like 2010 (?) that the WEF shadow-funds CCP surveillance prediction technology to export digital totalitarianism globally, eventually?
    we can be partially cloned sheep with human organs, we can have our genes altered and become humanoid wool-covered ants in space, unable to sense sunlight and survive solely off plastic, etc.. but once we stop believing that we are human and that populations of human life lack humanity, then ! why, we let our enemies determine that we, they, are barely human, and that our punishments and reprogramming and civilizing are necessary to humanize us, or maybe we’re just degenerates who don’t “deserve” humane treatment…

October 2. 202121212121212

💡🛍️🪅 don't leave any part of your body uncriticized or without negative comment, never let an inch of your flesh exist without the reminder of: should, would, could, and better if. don't neglect your body, don't leave any section out. no one likes to be excluded, so make sure to feel bad about it all ♡

💗💣 gosh, i want to type but i don't. oh... what was i thinking. husk, shell. remote body bag. chemically harvested. no. well, what it is... is that. Criticism. Never Good Enough. Or is it? I'm lying... 

 💡💡💡 people who mutilate, dismember, disfigure and reduce reality until they see their reflection in everything: "i can't see you if i can't see myself. i can only see myself in what i love, and only what is part of me can be understood, protected and loved. what is external to me must be internalized until i encompass everything. what is lovable must be me. i will colonize the universe until it's nothing but me."  
 💡💡💡 alienated inside of reality, estranged, and outside while remaining entirely within: each instance of reality completely foreign, unimaginable, shocking. lost in an endless maze of infinite unknowns. there is no self to see, nothing to recognize as "me". everything becomes unusual, novel, to be discovered anew over and over. only safe in the unfamiliar. trust, love and protection as an inherit, natural given. 
  💡🧲people who simply are in reality and let what exists be 
maybe i can distill too much.. too simplisitic, too narrow, this is true. well, nevertheless! what else... 
the scene is beautiful but i live with this in my head
i think i'll sleep and come back to type more maybe another day x i wanted to take a bath but it's so late now and i need to work on this site still oh no ! forgive me ... 

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