hello . . .
It has been 4 months (?)
Believe it or not, my invisible and non-existent audience, that I moved at the end of April into two different apartments (not at the same time), four different airbnbs (because we needed longer stays), like four hotels, a family member’s home…. all to end up in the exact same apartment, at the exact same address, with the exact same landlord, only six floors higher up, as the one we initially left.
There are too many bizarre coincidences to mention. Two of the most recent were: 1. my domain name expired today, after being bought exactly one year ago and none of the notifications or auto-renewals worked. This is a coincidence because if we hadn’t moved in properly last week, it’d have been a nightmare to settle. The second coincidence is that we have this little kitten desk calendar, where each day is a new picture of an adorable cat, and F. had put a sticker on the day we moved in April and on the other side of that exact date was September 14… the day that we sat down and unpacked it…
Those two examples might seem silly, but if you knew the whole story, you’d recognize God’s face imprinted all over this situation.
It feels so nice to be back 💛 and to fully admit that I am 100% disgusting city person (suburb of city with a population of more than 8 million…person). I love apartments… I fucking hate nature with a renewed passion. In fact, I couldn’t hate nature more than I do now. We can get into that another day. But I love apartments… and our apartment is so good… garbage chute, an incredible security guardian handyman on site who can fix unusual troubles and always receives packages. There are cement walls that provide wonderful insulation, both sound and thermal! floor-to-ceiling glass window-doors that enter onto a little balcony. Not to mention collective heating, so our heating bills are secure and manageable. And this new apartment is much higher up, so it’s even quieter, the air is cleaner, and we can see the tip of the Eiffel tower and, at night, admire the little beacon light spinning around.
I’m also like, just about seven months pregnant. I spent more than half of my pregnancy as some cursed wanderer—it was terrible. The organized cells are expected to be born during Capricorn season, but I worry that the signs are pointing to an earlier delivery and they’ll end up a Sagittarius. Personally, I’d prefer Capricorn. We’ll see… but oh my gosh, that was such a difficult time. As a side note—I definitely have a hard time believing I’m actually pregnant. I’ve seen its face, I feel it moving around inside of me, and it’s very much there, but to me, all I think and see is: FAT FAT FAT FAT. Quite terrible. Unfortunate. Is it actually there? They say it is but who knows, really? It’s probably all FAT. And it’s also miserable because I haven’t felt pretty in months either, and it’s ugh!
Let’s return to not thinking about it: I truly loathe how fragile things are and how quickly security can be utterly annihilated. It’s fun sometimes to destroy things, and even if you have an excellent plan to rebuild, those plans can crumble just as easily, and when contingencies B, C, D, E, fail. . . well. . . you can only hope that the alphabet has become much shorter, then, I guess? It was the Aquarius full moon when we found this apartment and luckily got it within a few days. Sometimes giving up is actually how you win. Imagine a mouse continuing to attack and defend itself against a cat. They’d all go extinct if they didn’t retreat sometimes. . . Wisdom is probably a better investment than endurance. People can endure and endure and endure, but wisdom will let you know when it’s truly the right time to surrender and quit fighting.
In any case, I think I aged like 5 years in 4 months. THE HELL I ENDURED… god… rural living is truly repugnant. And not just the rural area… the fucking people… I have never experienced such unrelenting vitriol, pathetic power posturing, xenophobia… The level of homogeneity was also repulsive. Growing up near O’hare airport and Chicago, I think I just can’t handle a lack of diversity. It’s not something I’m used to at all, saying nothing of the fact that I am an outsider here. And plus, I love outsiders and when a community is too insular, often they’re less welcoming of anyone and anything unlike themselves. I don’t value this and I don’t like to see, support or live in it.
On the other hand, I might someday swallow my next words, but I can, with 99% confidence, say that I would rather be packed like a wet, butterflied sardine in a can, on a bus, in the city, than in an isolated, atomized car driving 20 minutes to the grocery store to pick up like, three items. The amount of driving we did was unbearable. And the corn fields, and the wheat fields… and the nothing, nothing, nothing trees, sunflowers, trees, sunflowers, cornfields, trees. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A CLOUD OF PESTICIDES; driving alone in my car to return alone to my crappy house, alone in my 200k populated town where the biggest communal attractions are the town bar and McDonald’s. I need to see feats of human engineering: landscapes of limestone and concrete. Anything but a noxious mix of pesticide and herbicide filled man-made greenery. I don’t want to be too much of a hater, but my goodness, I truly thought I was more amenable to living outside of a large city. I was very, very, extremely wrong.
In all honesty, I need to write separate entries on the rural living psyop and “nature” trends. Cities are undervalued and underrated and it just seems as though I must always love what everyone is going against. Temporarily. I’m sure I’m not the only victim to the city bug person lifestyle shaming. But godspeed to anyone who wants to live that way. And of course, I do not include agriculteurs. It’s always the libertarian perverts and militarists that really start with the bullshit. We shall discuss in another post.
Tonight, however, it’s simply nice to type here again and give a little general update and re-introduction. And now that it’s out of the way, hopefully, I might have some brain cells left and can write something worth perhaps two other people reading.
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