Onlyfans Moms, Satanism, and the Shame-Based Economy

TW: death, sex, alcoholism, pornography, onlyfans, catholicism,
satanism, weaponized pornography, references to sexual abuse

   Today my mom would have been 55 years old. Such a cute birthday, tbh (October 8). Unfortunately, she died when she was only 52.
   She had a heart attack, and her boyfriend found her dead in their bed one afternoon. While she was born with a congenital heart defect, it’s beyond any doubt that her lifestyle of hardcore alcoholism, diet pepsi, and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day was unhelpful… to say the least. It’s comforting to have those habits to blame. It makes it seem like maybe I won’t die before 60.

   What’s strange is that she had a weirdly positive and laid-back outlook on life (or is that normal for alcoholics?). She was always so cheerful and funny, though the alcoholism did such a number on her cognition that my brother and I both agree that she likely had actual alcohol-induced brain damage. She was just, like, rarely depressed? Angry, yes… but depressed? I didn’t pick up on that much. I didn’t live with her though, and my brother doesn’t like talking about what it was like growing up with her.

   I think, after her dad died in the early 2000s (?), she spiraled further into that fetid sewer of alcoholism, and in the last decade of her life, she was psychologically unrecognizable from her former self. It’s just odd to remember a jovial alcoholic (my dad, on the other hand, was a binge-drinking schizoid alcoholic. Dreadfully depressed, paranoid, and lonely). My mom wasn’t a functional alcoholic either, so it wasn’t that which made her cheerful.

   I just miss her so much. It’s weird how, though I grew up with my dad, and was “closest” to him, it’s my mom who I miss and think about the most (sorry, dad… he died two years before she did, in 2018, at 62). It’s truly as if I never really knew her, yet her death has made her closer to me than she was in life, which is doubly tragic.

   Well, it’s all in the past now! Cobwebs. Ripples in time that pool and seep into present shores. It would be nice if there was a center point. A solitary stone that put everything else into motion. If you could simply reach that singular genesis from whence the river of time flows. You can’t reach it though, because it doesn’t exist. Plus, who wants nice? Unless, maybe it’s a black hole?

   In any case, I think about her more often, possibly, since becoming a mother myself. I had typed up a really dark post here in February, just about a month after I gave birth, and a week or so before I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. Ugh! THE GUILT I felt for bringing him into the world knowing that I’m so… whatever I am… I felt so bad! And, I had, and still have, so much anger about the death of my parents. It would’ve felt amazing to become a mom and to talk to my mom. I still imagine listening to her jokes and hearing her laughter. I fantasize about what it could’ve been like to lean on her during those confusing and terrifying times. I know she could’ve helped, even if she was moderately deranged… She had severe postpartum depression too, so, she would’ve understood my sadness and fear. Missing her, missing out on a relationship with her, and being denied the bond of becoming a mother, while she became a grandmother, was something that added incredible pain to my depression. Few can understand, and I’m honestly glad, even if they scorn me for doing the best I can.

   Semi-relatedly, to that post in particular, and maybe, just in general, something that I enjoy about my writing is the fact that readers cannot often tell what is serious and what is not. I’m so passionate and devout in my writing that it can come across as completely insincere, or so exaggerated that it’s legitimately comical. But I could also be deadly serious, too, or is this a joke? You’ll never know. And that’s why you’re reading this.

   In other news, I just took a personality test: http://temperaments.fighunter.com/?page=melancholic#Sanguine

   So, the really interesting topic that I’d like to discuss is my recent publishing of My Sweet Satan Shrine, along with an accompanying FAQ regarding my current Satanic beliefs.

   I touched on some of these themes in the FAQ, and though I need to clarify and make succinct a lot of what I typed, I still have more that I’d like to say. Especially regarding some themes I’ve picked up on in “society.” I mean, “online.”

One recent vexation I’ve seen quite frequently is:
“She’s going to regret posting this when her child sees it.”
“She should delete this before her child sees it.”
“Just wait until the kids at school show her child this.”

   Let’s take the most inoffensive example: my website and blog entries since this will upset no one. We can argue that my posts are embarrassing. It’s vicariously humiliating to inject my thoughts into your brain. You are in physical and emotional pain as you read these very words. “Mein Gott,” you think to yourself. “This woman is a raging narcissist with ZYX disorder and probably has Grandmother Issues! I can further hypothesize that she has c-cup breasts, drinks red wine, and loves cats. I will be adding her to my e-mail list reviewing Netflix Romantic Comedies with Sardonic Upper Middle-Class Brunette Female Lead Living and Dating in a Humble Midwestern City.”

   Probably, you think this because you’re a fascist. And you can’t see other people as complex and nuanced because you’re brainwashed from the slop trough of advertising. You are advertising. You are the result of advertising in a literal sense, and you are actually doing advertising at this very moment. And what, dear reader, are you advertising?

   In this case, “delete everything, for your sons shall inherit the internet and farm lolcows out of the vulnerability of your exhibitionism.” is advertising, primarily, though not exclusively: shame.

[It is also advertising the erasure of women as human beings once they become mothers. Gott verhüten, a woman be a mother and a whore! You can’t turn a whore into a housewife, and ‘she’ certainly can’t be both a cyber princess and a loving, suburban mom.]

   Leaving gender aside, because who wants to deal with that—let’s peer into the mind of the sanctimonious priest:
“You should be ashamed of yourself (censure).
You make me feel embarrassed—for you (piety).
I feel ashamed that I read this (guilt).
You must feel even more ashamed for having thought it (threat).”

Get the whip. We have some corruption to cleanse.

   In my defense, in this most benign example: what’s actually shameful is doing something hurtful or dangerous, or doing nothing at all. Watching TV & scrolling TikTok all day. Journalling online is a silly little expression of thought. Sure, I could keep these documents saved on my computer, out of sight—secretive—like a twisted skeleton that I’m hiding in the attic {ENTER PASSWORD TO READ MY SECRET DIARY. NO, NO! DON’T READ IT, PLEASE!!! *PLEASE READ ME* I’m So Horrible For Wanting Someone To Read My Secret Diary}.
   I could handwrite, like a freak, and get frustrated by the slowness of the pen. But why? Why not have fun? Throw this information out there? Let it be free and spread if it wants? There’s nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts online. I don’t advocate violence, hatred, or anything cruel. I primarily use myself as the subject precisely because it’s the only thing I know for certain that I have a right to discuss [sorry, diagnosiscels, but I’m not that pathological]. It’s my own server, too, for goodness’s sake! If anything, I find the act of writing, typing… and adding content to this website, to be a genuine act of creative expression.

   If my son were to read my online journals and cringe, I’d be like, ‘Good. Maybe you learned something. Maybe we can talk about the importance of useless hobbies. We can read it and think about other people in similar circumstances and practice compassion, or we can laugh at my silliness.’ Or maybe he can just be like, “Ew, my mom is so weird.” Maybe he won’t even READ it! In a way, I hope my son is embarrassed by me (in a sweet way, like, embarrassed that I listen to death metal, for example). I want to be outdated. I’m meant to be a funny mom, who does her weird little thing, and helps my baby realize he can do his creative things, regardless of what other people think—to exemplify that he is free to be as creative as he wants, to explore that creativity, without being ashamed.
   It reminds me of an interview with Pungent Stench, who were playing live in Australia during the 1990s, while simultaneously having their very records banned there. Frontman Martin Schirenc, in response to the interviewer asking something along the lines of “Are your parents ashamed that you write lyrics about your girlfriend sucking a dead man’s dick?” says, “No, they are proud of me for my music and buy my records and listen to it with their friends.” (It’s super funny, actually. You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofwRXBBiWjI). There is a distinction between creative expression and genuine harm. Puritans and censors are so confused. It’s sad.
  
   I was so ashamed of my alcoholic parents for not having any real hobbies (outside of drinking). Now, I look at that emptiness with sadness. If only they had a blog… Alas… On the other hand, aren’t most moms embarrassing? Isn’t that the real issue? Whether your mom is an HR manager, a Twitter bully, a movie star… Your mom is only embarrassing until you’re old enough to appreciate and understand her as a human being and not just as a “mom.” Unfortunately, some men never reach that stage of maturity.

   Speaking of men, let’s talk about something more offensive. Porn. This is a nice topic because a lot of those comments refer to women’s OnlyFans accounts or whatever—their NPC TikTok fetish content. I can totally see how a TikTok mom is much more embarrassing than a niche web blogger mom. Perhaps, I’m biased. What other types of women can I throw under the bus to feel better about myself? At least typing and reading is like, intellectual… I’m sure video editing and acting aren’t as mentally taxing as sitting in front of the computer and typing… (Joking! I genuinely respect their work!).

   Back to the subject at hand. Porn: The Ultimate Weapon of Domination.
“I saw your mom on OnlyFans.” Terrible. Shocking. A kind of sexual assault and real invasion, if the child is sent actual pornography. Celebrities must deal with similar things. I remember last season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Garcelle Beauvais’ 14-year-old sons were sent Playboy magazines featuring her centerfold. That is so repulsive. The person who sent that should be a registered sex offender (I’m not being facetious here. The fact someone tried to subject children to arguably, sort of incestuous pornography situation, should be criminalized). Given our current society, it is terrible that this situation occurs. It exposes so much about sexual consumption habits, and the sickness of sexuality. Of course, children shouldn’t be bullied in such a perverse way. Of course, women should be able to find better-paying jobs more easily.

   I’m going to be radical here and say that there is no “good” point in being ashamed of human sexuality. To go back to Satanism, it is the very rejection of material form that is the culprit of so much travesty and pain. In this example of pornography, human beings are naturally sexual. Though the trend is shifting, most humans alive, as you may well be aware, exist due to sex, or at least due to romantic and sexual attraction. You might be surprised to know that very few things on earth don’t fuck. There certainly are no known mammals that can (yet) reproduce asexually. Sex is everywhere… And yet, it is so hidden. It is so repressed. It is an act that transfers shame (maybe, related to misogyny?).

   I’ve come to wonder: if sex weren’t so taboo and perceived as so offensive, perhaps, not only would pornography and sexual imagery not be weaponized against others (as in the case of the OnlyFans Mom), due to it being so normalized and banal, but that the very product of commercial porn itself wouldn’t exist. (Arguably, it’s easy to postulate idealisms, but it’s like, my thing, and I’ve always been of the mind that hypotheticals are instructive to practical reality).

   It seems to me that this shame and repression of sexuality is culturally and politically involved in the weaponization, industrial-grade consumption, and exploitation of sex and sexuality. If sex weren’t something outrageous, perhaps we could’ve learned to live with it in healthier and more humane ways. We might understand our desires as something normal, conversational almost. If it were, we could more easily talk about sexual abuse, we’d have a better understanding of healthy and unhealthy behaviors, and we’d have a more humane understanding of the physical act itself. Ideally, we might even view one another less as sexual objects to be consumed and more like mates working together on a project. I believe this so sincerely that I have no problem asserting that commercial porn profits from the shame-based culture of sex and sexuality.
   You will goon to 30 webcam models on 10 000€ worth of computing equipment. You will never touch another human, except when the cashier accidentally brushes against you while handing you your receipt for organic carrot juice, ethically human-trafficked chocolate, and flax seeds. No sex, only porn. No knowledge, only empty content. No consent, only submissive consumption (re: Violated By Corporations). [Relatedly, though, somehow, on a much more depressing note, it’s been suggested that the traditions of the catholic church helped create pedophiles by forming a culture of such profound sexual ignorance that many priests, while trying to ‘comfort’ underage children, simply had no idea that what they were doing was reprehensibly wrong].

   Sex is completely privatized, and it is a totally rejected area of human life. It’s not something we can freely discuss, even though it is something we all must deal with. Because it is so “animalistic,” rendering us into “animals”, and so reminiscent of mortality and our monkeyishness… it is shunned. It’s too powerful. It overrides the reasoning and logic of many. This is exactly why it is so taboo. Anything that reminds humanity of its primal earthliness is scorned. Anything that can overpower humanity is either deified or demonized, depending on the direction of the force.
   _{(We can speculate as to why that is, and I have my theories, believe me, do I have theories on why we hate being animals… [re: grey aliens as von neumann machines that engineer robotic homogenous grey goo to swallow up the universe; transforming organic, complex matter into total lifelessness, homogeny; sterile, inert & dead] – perhaps another time).}

   It is precisely the mechanism of shame and guilt surrounding the enjoyment of corporeal form that has brought us to this apex of environmental destruction, mindless consumption (“erotic funkopop collection” [ie. libidinal economy that transforms sexual repression into trinket buying]), great loneliness, and social isolation. Shame is unproductive, it does nothing to address the real issues of sexual abuse and exploitation, obesity, greed, etc. I want to go further and say that shame and guilt are related to systems of power and domination, as they are both tactics of exercising power and domination.

   How can this be? Well, it stems from the insult to and ingratitude for material existence. Speaking for myself, without material existence, I wouldn’t know how incredible it is to see, hear, and make my baby laugh. If it weren’t for material existence, I wouldn’t know the pleasure of something as seemingly simple as chocolate and coffee. I wouldn’t know how lovely it feels to embrace my husband, and how, when he’s away from me, I desperately long for him to return. It is thanks to material existence that I have the gift of knowing what it feels like to weep in despair. Matter is actually unifying. We have so much in common in these forms. It is a perfect balance between individuality and community, and we FUMBLE IT. A body connects us to the outside world—it represents a bridge, a cable, a messenger between a private, enclosed inner world (of organs, nerves, genes) and a publicly shared, open one (the experimental lab? petri dish? a larger body?).

   This resentment has conditioned society to hold in contempt the world that we all share-the public world. In broader terms, it has instilled in us that the physical world doesn’t matter, that it’s something to be denied or ignored, even. Christian nihilism, for example, is a real thing. It means that we should accelerate towards the apocalypse because it’ll get us closer to the second coming of Yoshi. Some Xtian fundamentalists in the US go so far as to endorse war in Israel because, apparently, that’s one of the signs of the end times. “Who cares about the suffering and the dead? Let’s just get to heaven ASAP.” Related to shame as a method of domination, it could easily also apply to neoliberalism (private power), and even capitalism. Could there even be capitalism without shame? It’s probably a silly question, but really. The shame and guilt are what keep the exploitation going, out of sight, always, someone else.
   In hell, the factory workers sweat blood and tears. In heaven, the rich luxuriate in their silver pools with telomere-lengthening gems. Let’s not discuss the inherent racism of that, either. We can pray away our abuses and exploitation, and ask forgiveness, fast and repent for our cruel vices.

   The point I want to clarify for the time being is that we make grave errors when we reject the material world. If we believe that this world—which sustains us, which has given us the gift of beautiful sunsets, sparkling waters, lush trees, the sweetness of animals, the tenderness of affection, the joy of laughter, and the depths of sadness and grief, and the physiological and cognition to experience all of that—if we rebuke this, we rebuke our humanity and sneer at life itself (this is the arrogance of the Xtian—for who are we to look upon this world and judge and reject it? I mean honestly…). It is a worldview of hatred, really. One of ingratitude and entitlement. As if, because you’re a particular type of ape, you suddenly shouldn’t be subjected to rain and storms, that you shouldn’t deal with what it feels like to be sick. It is a sterile, unproductive worldview. And I find more and more that this thread of shame has sunk its poisonously castrating fangs into human culture, regardless of the percentage of religiosity. We must stop being children and demand “Delete this now!” “It’s so cringe that you poured your heart out for 1 like.” Culture stops where conformity begins.

   We certainly need to stop the cycle of “I have a human need, and therefore, I must be punished.” It’s such a complete slave morality, it’s so truly and utterly baneful that I don’t understand how it’s even perpetuated for as long as it has. As I mentioned in my FAQ, Satanism brings face-to-face the repulsiveness of humanity and challenges it. Satanism is the inverse of shame and denial. Rather than writing off the unsavory aspects of life, and letting them fester underground, in black markets, in closed rooms, in chambers of power, in hell, we need to be aware of the ugliness and manage it from a place of acceptance, rather than denial. We must accept the ugliness and use our intelligence and our capacity to engineer to improve the wretchedness, rather than push it further away and into itself.

   Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to rewrite history. But I do have the ability to rearrange my perception of existence and of human life. Of course, maybe I’m wrong about all of this. I just had the thought that maybe a lot of this repression is actually necessary in order to get humanity to think? The more you refuse your “animal” instincts, perhaps the more lofty your thoughts? This is what so many celibates think. However, I think this is wrong. So, never mind. This doesn’t make sense to me on the grounds that, for example, exercising increases productivity and creativity. Orgasms lower the risk of heart disease and clear people’s minds by improving blood circulation. In a sense, as others have noted, the ideology of shame and repression allows those in power to enjoy everything “forbidden”, to take advantage of their position, and to enact the most violations. Or, at the very least, psychopaths can exploit the system of censorship and control to benefit from it themselves. I’m probably wrong in other ways that I can’t see.

[Miss USA Voice] I just think we should embrace being human and appreciate the wonderful gift of life. Why would I be sorry for being a conscious ape? Like, that’s actually so hilarious. Get real, and look at how disgusting and strange it all is, and love it….

   Suddenly, I feel like a medieval peasant debating something to the shadows on the wall of my candlelit cottage, not realizing the verdict has already been decided two centuries ago, and no one’s listening, and no one’s there… OMG! Thank goodness you’re here. At least I have my shadow. 🖤

• I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and how difficult of a time you’ve had after the pregnancy. That’s something I often think about, is what on earth am I going to do once I lose my mom. It’s the inevitable fate we all face and I don’t think any of us are ever ready for it. But I think she is still here with you, watching over you, and perhaps helping you in more subtle ways, and proud of you despite your struggles. ♥ Being a mom isn’t easy, it’s a major life transition, but you’re doing the best you can do and that’s all that matters. And by the sounds of it, you honestly sound like you’re a pretty cool mom! I haven’t had my first yet but I hope I too can be the cool weird mom when the time comes.😆

  As always, I find your thoughts really intriguing! I’m not a satanist myself or know much about it to be honest, but I really like your train of thought on materialism, that life and our earth is meant to be enjoyed, and the pleasures that come with it. Otherwise, what’s the point in living and being here at all? And with Christianity, I grew up in a strict religious household, and it’s so true, you know? They get so caught up on the afterlife and fear of having to meet a certain standard that so many of them just stop living. It’s really sad what it does to people. Deep down, I think a lot of the hatred in Christianity really stems from fear, and it’s conditioned that they can’t so much as even question, because questioning and considering ideas that challenge the ideologies of the religion could lead them to hell.

  Thank you for teaching me a bit about Satanism through this post! My Christian father would probably have a stroke seeing me open to satanist ideologies haha. He’s sent me long emails already about how he thinks I’m being deceived by satan for my own beliefs. 🤣 But I think there are tidbits of truth in all belief systems, and not everybody has it 100% right but that’s okay. We’re all just doing our best and finding our own way in this world, and if that means I’m going to hell for exploring then so be it. At least the company will be good. 😁

  Wishing you all the best, Censorine! I hope you don’t mind me commenting on these posts. I know they’re more personal in nature but I do enjoy reading them. I enjoy your writing style and find a lot of it really relatable. 🙂 They always get my mind thinking haha.

  All the best ♥

  Aevisia